There are a great many men who are completely uninterested in marriage and fatherhood. For example, there are plenty of men who:
- Have been hurt by women in their lives, traumatized by the experience, and are unwillingly to put themselves at risk of being hurt again
- Are by their nature r-selected simpletons with no innate drive for the higher-order rewards of legacy and genetic continuity
- Are of Teh Ghey
And in addition, there exists some small number of men who do not fit into any of the above categories, but for whatever reasons of their own, simply do not possess that most natural desire of all living things: To create and care for a living, breathing vessel for your genetic code, and die with the knowledge that such a vessel will preserve and propagate the essence of your life force into the next generation and throughout eternity. I don’t judge such men as inferior, but this guide to intelligent and effective procreation in the 21st century is not for them.
In a civilized, monogamous society, finding a wife and raising children is a simple matter. A civilized man can seek out a wife, woo her in the manner approved by the social norms of his tribe, and count on the people and institutions around him to facilitate the process of courtship, marriage, and child bearing. Whatever advice he needs on the subject will be readily available via his family, friends, and culture.
In the rotting society that we live in, this approach is a near guarantee of failure. The modern man who resigns himself to courtship and marriage as prescribed to him by his culture, education, and religious leaders is setting himself up for a barren future. Whether it be from a false rape accusation, divorce theft, cuckoldry, or simply a childless marriage to a barren, used-up career girl whose fertile window was spent on a career, casual sex, and an age-accelerating unhealthy lifestyle – his future is dark indeed.
All Red-Pill-awakened men can surely agree: Marriage, as we are currently expected to practice it, is a shit deal. Hedonists can plausibly argue the merits of the perpetual bachelor lifestyle. Traditionalists can also make a case for attempting to build and protect a healthy family amidst the wreckage of late western civilization.
It has taken some soul-searching, but I’ve made my tentative decision: I will be a father. I will do my utmost to find a wife worthy of my lifelong commitment. I will do all that I can to rise above the chaos and build my own little outpost of stability and order. This rest of this post is a guide for men with similar priorities.
1) The Mindset
I have exactly one goal driving me on my search for a wife: Children. That’s it. I want to be a father, and I want my children to enter life with the best possible chance of success. I believe that a monogamous partnership with a woman is the best way to do this. The prospects of cloning and surrogate mothers also intrigue me, but I ultimately want my children to have a mother in their lives. This is the only valid reason for marriage today: Procreation.
Do you want a wife because you crave companionship? You’re an idiot. Get a girlfriend, or a dog.
Do you want a wife because your friends and family expect you to get married? You’re a coward. Be a man and make your own choices in life.
Do you want a wife because your pastor has convinced you that marrying a divorcee is your duty as a Christian? You’re an idiot, a coward, and a heathen on top of it all.
I repeat, there is only one reason why a modern man should even consider marriage, and that is the prospect of becoming a father. If you want sex, love, and companionship, these things are far easier to get outside of a lifelong monogamous relationship than within it.
You must look upon your search for a wife in purely logical and rational terms. Do not let your emotions cloud the decision. This idea, that marriage should be about practical considerations and not subject to the caprices of romantic love, is as common historically as it is unpopular today. Romeo and Juliet is the ultimate cautionary tale of the dangers of romantic love, although our contemporaries are rarely smart enough to read it as such. Marrying for love implies that your primary goal in mate selection is the cultivation of happy feeeeelings in your heart, and that the creation of a stable and healthy environment for your children is a secondary concern.
Again, if you want a companion, get a dog. If you want to be a father, choose your mate with your brain, not your heart or your dick.
2) Building Yourself
One of the great privileges of being a man is the ability to delay marriage and fatherhood at will. The correlating duty is that you must exercise your free will to become the man you are capable of being, because you will only ever get the quality of mate that you deserve.
This means that you cannot spend your twenties playing video games and smoking weed. You cannot spend your twenties getting fat, living paycheck to paycheck, and coasting in your career and education.
The hard part about being a man in the 21st century is that the vast majority of money, status, sexual access and happiness are accruing to an increasingly small slice of the male population. The easy part is that your peers are a bunch of sackless pantywaists, which means its a fairly simple matter to fight into that top five percent.
Krauser has an excellent post on the importance of building yourself in your young adulthood. Danger and Play has written repeatedly on this topic as well. I will add to the chorus and say that I am incredibly grateful to my younger self for all the books he read, money he saved, hours he spent in the gym, the valuable friends he made, and the effort he put into his education and early career development.
Our generation firmly believes that a man’s early twenties are a time for getting blackout drunk five nights a week, going to ten or fifteen hours of class a week, playing video games, and otherwise not doing a hell of a lot. But the returns to hard work and education (in any form) decrease with age. A man in his twenties lays the foundation of the man he will be for the rest of his life. If you want to earn the right to choose one of the few remaining decent women in our society as a mate, you must do so my turning yourself into one of the few remaining decent men.
This reading list will start you along the path towards a lifetime of auto-didactism. The Freedom Twenty-Five blogroll will expose you to the broad range of pretty-lie-smashing, counter-progressive Red Pill knowledge. I won’t into the details of career selection, but Krauser’s post will give you the tools you need to make those choices. Beyond that, avoid the temptations of sloth, complacency and time-consuming habits that do not constitute an investment in yourself.
It’s sad really, how few young men today know basic shit like this. I wrote my my first book, The Freedom Twenty-Five Lifestyle Guide, with the goal of creating a resource for any young man who wants to take control of his life and get his shit together. Buy it, read it, follow the advice, and you’ll be one of the 5% of men in our society kicking 95% of the ass.
3) Learning The Skills
It’s far too easy to waste time in the seduction community. There are too many books to read, too many videos to watch, and a near-unlimited number of available women upon which you can ‘practice.’
But with that said, the modern young man should immediately and unhesitatingly dive into the wide world of seduction methodology. A one-year crash course of ten hours per week reading books, watching videos, and another ten practicing material in the field, will set a man up with the knowledge and practical experience he needs for a lifetime of success with women. Complete this crash course at a young age, and you can spend the rest of your life refining and perfecting your own personal style. Break through the fear of approaching, and you can spend the rest of your life with the ability to meet and ask out women you meet casually in your life.
This post (click and bookmark it, you’ve still got the rest of this post to read) is an excellent guide to giving yourself a basic introduction to the practice of seduction and the Ev Psych/NLP background from whence it came.
3) Target Selection
How should a man go about choosing from the great mass of broken women around him, and identify one of the rare few who might actually be worthy of marriage?
A man must first have standards. This post lays out mine. I suggest you adopt them as well. Many will try to convince you that they are quite unreasonable. They are, for an average man, which is why the second bullet of this post makes clear that you must build yourself into an exceptional man. If a stable home for your children is what you want, there is no point in wasting your time with old, promiscuous, slow-witted, irreligious women.
Where do decent women congregate? To answer this question, close your eyes and put yourself in the shoes of the sort of woman you would like to marry. How does she spend her weekends and free time? What online dating site does she use? What sort of men does she pursue? Your answers will give you a road map to finding and meeting the women you want to meet.
4) The Interview Process
Now we get into the meat of this guide. Thus far, my advice has been pretty straightforward:
1) Decide you want a family
2) Become a worthy man,
3) Learn a bit of game
4) Go meet women where the good women already are.
Good advice, sure, but nothing you couldn’t read in an above average men’s magazine article.
But this is not Maxim. This is the Red Pill. This is the place where one finds harsh, gut-wrenching truths that sends cowards back into the safety of their mothers’ bosoms. If that’s your style, friend, hang on: It’s about to get dark in here.
As pleasant as it would be to live in a world where we can all basically trust others to treat us with basic respect and human decency, we do not to live in such a world. Principles of masculine honour such as honesty and the inviolability of sworn oaths are an anachronism in our culture. As such, a man who seeks to marry a woman who truly believes in chastity, lifelong fidelity, wifely submission, and male headship, cannot simply ask a woman if she believes in those principles. She may simply lie, and no one but you and a few lonely blogging reactionaries will judge her for it. Two, even if she swears to you with all her heart that she will dedicate her life to being a properly traditional and Christian wife, if at any point in time she whimsically changes her mind, you and you alone will feel that her betrayal is immoral or unjustified.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what a man does. By marrying and having children, he is signing up for a life spent at the mercy of his woman. She can choose, any day she likes, to take away his children and livelihood. There is no contract that can be signed, no promise that can be extracted, and no vetting procedure perfect enough to ensure that this does not happen. Thus, it is imperative to choose your mate with the care.
There are outward signs that a man can look for in a prospective wife. High social economic status. Religious affiliation. Her social circle and family are also good indicators of her values and habits. When in doubt, go with your gut and Heartiste’s Slut Tells.
However, no surface assessment can possibly give you all the information you need. Women lie, and most of the behaviours that characterize a poor wife are highly situational. Any woman can be loyal, dedicated and obedient when the sun is shining and the eyes of the world are watching. A man who wishes to truly gauge a woman’s worthiness for a lifelong commitment must put her through a stress test. Its possible to generate an accurate first impression of a woman within the space of a few dates. But to truly gauge her character, you must put her through the ringer. The following steps are to be taken in their entirety with any woman to whom you are contemplating pledging your life to:
1) Get her passwords. The 21st century ensures that your woman has a lengthy and detailed digital history of her thoughts, feelings and behaviours. What cannot be found in the annals of a woman’s emails, facebook messages, instant messages, online dating profiles, and text messages, is known only to God. The internet is full of discrete programs that you can use to collect her password (most people only have one) once she uses your computer. Put on some tea and spend some time delving through her past. Communications with the men in her life are obviously a priority, but don’t overlook her chit-chats with girlfriends. Do this as soon as possible in your relationship, so you will have as much time as possible to test her congruence. This exercise will teach you much about the particular girl, and even more about the general nature of how women talk and think when men aren’t in the room.
Now that you know a great deal about her, give her every opportunity possible to discredit herself. Make it easy for her to lie about anything that paints her in a negative light. On the surface, naively accept whatever answers she gives you.
2) Test her commitment. It’s a rare man who goes a lifetime without at least one major episode of personal failure and loss of focus. In all likelihood, you will have a period of depression, anxiety, career setback, health issues and/or other assorted hard times at some point in your life. A woman who stands by you in your time of need might save your life. A woman who jumps ship will ruin it, and those of your children. Find out what she’s made of before you make any sort of commitment to her, by faking an episode of need and personal failure. Do not let your pride prevent you from doing a half-assed job of this. Wait until you have been dating for well over a year, and then hit her with the absolute worst you have to offer. Take everything you’ve read about maintaining attraction and flip it around. Do your faux-beta best to drive her away. Pout, slink, snivel, and cower around the house. Tell her you’re not in the mood for sex this week. Feign the loss of all ambition and hunger. Her response will tell you much and more about her reliability as a long-term mate.
3) Educate her. Any woman that I marry must be capable of and willing to understand and abide by my highly uncommon, reactionary, traditional view of the world. Fortuitously, the Christian Bible’s teachings on marriage and relationships are a close approximation of the Red Pill’s.
There is a reason this bullet point is last though. In most cases, the political, religious, and ethical views of a feminine woman in a relationship with a strong man, will trend in the direction of her outright adoption of those views. I have dated several women who began our relationship as fairly typical regurgitators of modern feminist platitudes, and watched as they gradually converted to my philosophy, which I suppose one could call Reactionary Playboy Christianity. Now, they have reverted back to their old ways of thinking (and acting). The harsh truth behind these conversions and relapses is that the female mind is a flighty and capricious instrument, tuned and calibrated to repeat the ideology of the most dominant frequency it picks up. When a strong man is in her life, he becomes her source for answers to all questions. When such a man leaves, she returns to her mimicry of the dominant ideology of the tribe she identifies with, i.e. mainstream America, i.e. the thinly-veiled Marxism of feminist progressivism.
For these reasons, a man should be careful not to put too much stock in the professed beliefs of any particular woman he is considering. That said, a woman who has believed in traditional marriage her entire life, or quickly grasps and embraces the arguments for its importance when they’re explained to her, is a far better prospect than one who does not. And of course it goes without saying, a woman who claims to be any sort of a feminist is unsalvageable as a marriage prospect.
4) Manage your marriage. I highly recommend Athol Kay’s Married Man Sex Life on the subject of applying the Red Pill mentality in the context of a modern marriage. If you’re married, or considering it, the book is well worth ten bucks and two hours of your time.
But no man should bank too heavily on his ability to “game” his wife in the context of a marriage. Beyond the basics of projecting masculinity and leadership, Game is a flimsy defense against the massive financial, social and psychological temptations of frivolous divorce. The first line of defense is your mate’s character. Once that die is cast, your efforts are better spent keeping her away from temptations towards divorce, i.e. other men, and isolated from the cacophonous harmony of hypergamy-glorying divorce porn in popular culture.
6) See the sausage being made
With this bullet, I part ways with many traditionalists who, until now, may have been happy to endorse this post. A traditionalist man who reserves sex for marriage can implement most of the advice in this guide. He can take many steps to protect himself against divorce theft. Perhaps, his lack of hypocrisy and greater ability to pair-bond will earn him a unique set of advantages in the long-term dating game. But ultimately, he is playing with one hand tied behind his back. Reading, thinking, planning, and intellectualizing women is not enough to understand them.
It is not enough to make a checklist of traits of that correlate with successful marriages in the GSS, and seek out a wife who maximizes your r-squared.
It is not enough to assume a woman holds true to the teachings of the Bible, because she goes to Church for an hour every Sunday.
It is not enough to merely read the books and blogs of men who have had success with women, and presume that you then know all that they do.
A man who wishes to permanently bind his wealth, happiness and genetic legacy to a woman, must first learn the true nature of her species. Not the angelic, faultless caricature painted by the Church. Not the twisted, a-feminine monstrosity encouraged by our feminist culture. Not the overly dismal, cynical and uncharitable portrait one gets from certain corners of the Manosphere. A man who wants the best for his children must choose a proper wife. To do this, he must first learn all that he can – the good, the bad, and the ugly – about female nature.
Men, you can’t trust anyone in the world. Not your teachers, your parents, your pastor, not even your favourite bloggers.
The only thing you can trust unconditionally is what you see, hear and experience with your own senses.
And so, young men who desire marriage, children, family, stability, and posterity – I suggest you spend the better part of your twenties swimming in the shark tank of the modern sexual marketplace.
This will be a hard pill to swallow for some, particularly those men who take seriously the Bible’s teachings on fornication and adultery. But I don’t see any way around it. I have slept with many, many women, or all ages, from all sorts of backgrounds, in every conceivable context. I have had many one-night stands, many casually physical ongoing relationships, and a few true loves during which I traveled to the outer limits of joy and contentment, and then endured the pain of the journey back. I have helped several women cheat on their boyfriends, often in the most flagrant and disrespectful manner possible. I have slept with, and possibly fathered adulterated children, with married women. I have utterly destroyed the hearts and souls of lovely girls, for a time at least. I have had my own heart broken. In short, I have seen an experienced a wide gamut of human female behaviour. After it all, I am still taken by surprise in my relationships with women on a fairly regular basis. I can’t imagine how deaf and blind a man without my experience must be.
A man who attempts to intelligently father children without this sort of background, is going making a blind call on the most important bet of his life. It’s true that there are many risks associated with an early adulthood spent living up the playboy lifestyle, from the physical (STDs, unplanned pregnancies) to the psychological (excess cynicism, degradation of your ability to pair-bond) and of course, the one true risk, that the man from Nazareth was something more than most of us are inclined to give him credit for, and that sin is always sin, regardless of any pretensions to a greater cause in the heart of the sinner.
But truly, what alternative is there? Its no coincidence that the men who are most cogently understanding and explaining the modern sexual marketplace, are largely those men who have most fully immersed themselves in its bowels. I am a Traditionalist, a Reactionary, and maybe even a Christian – when I sit in front of the keyboard. But in my personal life, and in the advice that I offer to the young men of my generation, I see no profit in the virtue of chastity preached by those belief systems. Ironically, it is far more important traditional men to immerse themselves in the crimson arts, than it is for their simpler, hedonistic brothers.
Finally, we have the single most important step in the modern man’s blueprint for successful family formation:
7) Accept that you may fail
No man can be guaranteed success in anything worth doing, and this is notably true in the pursuit of a stable marriage and fatherhood.
But is this so horrible? Many projects are worth doing, even though they entail a significant risk of costly failure. Starting a business, for example. Writing a book. Quitting a job to travel. Joining the armed forces. Any big, long-term, potentially life-altering project brings with it some major downside risk.
But no one is telling men they shouldn’t do any of those things. When it comes to failure in business, careers, and other projects unrelated to marriage and family, the standard advice is full speed ahead. Sure, a bad decision in those areas of life may cost you your life savings, your income, and several years of your life. But fuck it man! No one gets out of life without taking some risks.
There is one big difference between career moves and family formation that creates this double standard: Men invest their ego and emotions in their families.
This seems like the most natural thing in the world. Perhaps it is, but the cold reality of our age is this:
A man who allows himself to become emotionally blindered in his romantic relationships, will see those relationships fail.
A man who invests his ego and sense of self in his family, gives his wife the power to take those things away from him, along with his family and livelihood.
A man who chooses a wife, and chooses his behaviour within his marriage, in as rational a manner as he is capable of, will minimize his risk of divorce. He will also minimize the emotional fallout that will occur if divorce is the outcome. A man who derives his identity from his family will collapse into a weeping ball of failure when it is taken from him. A man who treats his family like a business will be in a position to hide his assets, flee the country, and make smart legal decisions in the ensuing battle over custody of his children. He will also have the presence of mind to, in the worst case scenario, accept what he has lost and cannot recover, and start anew.
All of this sounds cold and cynical. But note that your future children are better served by a father who can act effectively in their interest.
This, the necessity of loving a family with your brain instead of your heart, is another reason a man should spend his twenties unmarried. The experience of falling completely and totally in love with a woman who feels the same for you, is one of the greatest available to mortal men. It’s an experience I’ve had the pleasure of basking in several times throughout my life. But, as joyful as pure love is, it’s too dangerous of an emotion to spend too much time with in the legally and socially precarious context of a 21st-century marriage. If you’re going to experience incautious love – and every man should, at least one point in his life – better to do it in your youth, and before you have your children and life’s work on the line.
All this is not to say that you should fight all feelings of love for your spouse and children. Even if this were desirable, it would only be possible for the most jaded and sociopathic of men.
What this guide recommends is that you keep one foot planted firmly in reality, and be ready to shift the entirety of your weight back on that foot if any sign arises that your marriage is slipping away from you. Love your wife, but love your children more. Know the law in your jurisdiction. Draw up contingency plans. Review them with a good lawyer, and keep him on speed dial. Hide your assets. Be a good husband, but always be prepared to abandon your feelings, and make the tactical moves necessary to protect yourself, your children, and the assets you’ll need to give them the life you want for them, if your wife chooses to rebel against you and the oaths she swore.
If you do not want children, there are no arguments I can make to change your mind. Nor would I be inclined to make them if there were. The early twenty-first century is a truly awful time for men who wish to found and care for families. Most who try, will fail. But for those men of my generation who have decided that fatherhood is one of our priorities, this guide offers you the tools to maximize your probability of raising children in a stable, safe, happy environment. This guide gives you the tools to minimize the odds that your family will be ripped apart by a frivolous divorce. If you have the courage and the desire to try to buck this trend, follow this advice and give yourself a fighting chance.
Day Bang, Roosh Vorek
Sperm Wars, Robin Baker
The Mystery Method, Mystery
The Game, Neil Strauss