Your Friends Are Holding You Back

Here’s a story that you’ve probably heard before.

Our generic protagonist is Timmy, a typical beta male, living a fearful and unsatisfying life.

Timmy doesn’t lift weights and get muscular, because he doesn’t want to be ‘gym bro’. He doesn’t hustle to make more money, because he already has a nine-to-five job. He doesn’t approach girls, because he is terrified of being rejected. He doesn’t read great books for men, because he spends hours a day destroying his mind with clickbait.

But then one day, Timmy discovers The Red Pill. He realizes that he has a long, hard path ahead of him. He goes through a painful transition phase of anger, depression, and self-hatred. But Tim is a man now, and he is ready to face his journey.

Tim starts living a Red Pill lifestyle. (If he is a real champ, he will pick up The Thumotic Lifestyle Guide.) Soon, he has started making some radically positive changes. He feels better than he ever has in his life.

There’s just one problem: Tim’s friends are putting up resistance.

How your friends are creating resistance

Tim met every single one of his old friends back when he was Timmy The Timid. Most of them are losers – otherwise, what would they be doing hanging around with a dork like him?

Losers come in all shapes and sizes, but there is one foolproof test that you can use to identify them: Start improving yourself. The losers will be the ones who hate you for it.

Are your friends losers? If you’ve taken the Red Pill and started making positive changes in your life, here are some hard questions you need to ask about your social circle:

  • Do your friends give you a hard time for pursuing your goals? Even in a joking way?
  • Do your friends share any of your self-improvement goals? Do they have any comparable goals of their own?
  • Do you have a gut feeling that your friends resent your attempts to be successful?

The last is the most important. Human social interactions are subtle. Most of what we communicate is sub-verbal. Your friends might be pulling you down, even while their words are full of encouragement.

This is a very subtle form of negativity, but it can cripple your efforts to improve your life. If your friends are losers, you will be surrounded by constant negative social reinforcement whenever you take positive actions, and positive reinforcement whenever you take negative actions. Spending time with people who want you to fail, will make you – subconsciously – want to fail.

And even if your friends aren’t secretly hoping for you to remain a loser: If they don’t want to do anything but smoke weed and play video games, what will you talk to them about? How are they going to help you build a great lifestyle? You only have so many hours in a day; choose to spend them with people who inspire you.

Start building a tribe

Humans are tribal creatures. We crave acceptance.

Sometimes, you have to resist social pressure and be your own man. In the long term however, you cannot resist the psychological drive for esteem in your community. Instead, you must work to be a part of a community worth trying to impress. To succeed in life, you must surround yourself with others who share your desire to become a better man. You must form a tribe that shares your values.

Don’t resist the awesome power of social conformity – use it. Spend your time with great men who inspire and motivate you.

You don’t have to expect perfection from everyone. I have close friends who are incredibly supportive in most aspects of my life, but still occasionally provide resistance to specific goals, such as my choice to stop hurting myself with alcohol. But, I have no friends who are not generally on board with my mission to become a better version of myself.

You need the same support network in your life. You need a tribe of like-minded men. You need to attract winners into your life, and build a gang of like-minded men.

But how do you do that?

The answer is simple, but not easy.

If you want great friends, you have to become a great man

It’s one thing to start reading Red Pill blogs, it’s much harder to actually become a man who consistently puts that knowledge into action.

There are no shortcuts. You must develop the habits that make you a man, and then practice them consistently for years. Until you have done this, you will not attract high-value people into your life, because you will not deserve to have high-value people in your life.

So what do I do until then?

Have you started to recognize that some of your friends are having a negative influence? If so, here are five pieces of advice that will help you build a social circle more conducive to success:

1) Don’t call a press conference

You’ve taken a hard look in the mirror and decided that you have some work to do. You’ve recognized that your current social circle is a factor that’s holding you back. You decided that you’re going to move up in the world – with or without them.

This is all for the best.

But, you don’t have to make a big, dramatic announcement and “break up” with your negative friends. You don’t have to be rude. You don’t have to unfriend them on Facebook, or talk shit behind their backs, or write about them in your Burn Book. Act, don’t talk. Be polite, but be busy.

2) Make a gradual transition

You don’t have to cut yourself off from your old friends completely, especially if you don’t yet have any non-toxic relationships to replace them with. Man is a social animal. Talking about video games (or whatever) with nice losers is better than a life of solitary confinement.

You shouldn’t quit your job to look for a job. Instead, use your current job to pay the bills and allow you to look for a new job without the taint of desperation. Take the same approach to social growth.

3) Give your friends the opportunity to join you

Meeting people who share your goals is great, but nothing beats an old friend when you have to bury a dead hooker at four o’clock in the morning. If you can hold onto some of your old crew, and bring them along on your journey, your life will be richer for it. Some of them might surprise you.

Even if they aren’t immediately ready to join you on your journey, keep them on your radar. Become a city on a hill that they can turn to, if they ever decide that they want more out of life. It might not happen tomorrow, or this year. But it could happen.

Or maybe it won’t. But at least you’ll be able to move forward knowing that you did everything you could.

4) Be ruthless about cutting negativity out of your life

All of the above applies to genuine friends who simply don’t share your goals and lifestyle. Losers aren’t bad people; they just don’t want more out of life, or they want different things than you. Keep these people in your orbit, even if you don’t see them more than once a month.

But when it comes to ‘friends’ who are actively hostile to the new, better version of yourself – cut them out fast.

5) Invest in a virtual social circle

If you find yourself lonely as a result of your new direction in life, start thinking of the men behind your favourite blogs as your surrogate social circle.

Does that sound crazy to you? I don’t think it’s crazy.

I’ve been following The Red Pill and The Manosphere for over five years. I was just a kid this movement got started. Throughout my twenties, I’ve reaped incredible benefits from virtual mentors in this community.

If you feel isolated by your new commitment to a purposeful life free of pretty lies and political correctness, start considering men like Heartiste, Victor Pride, Danger and Play, Krauser, Roosh, and Good-Looking Loser as virtual mentors – older brothers built out of ones and zeroes. Start spending a few hours a week in the virtual company of like-minded men such as Dagonet, Delicious Tacos, Matt Forney, Man Ex Machina, Kid Strangelove, Aurini, and a dozen other talented young male writers who will reassure you of your sanity, and make you feel a bit less alone as a sane man in an insane world.

Your new social circle isn’t even limited to men who are currently living. If you spend enough time reading Great Books For Men, you’ll quickly notice that the greatest minds that have ever lived  share many of your views. The Red Pill will make you an oddity in 21st-century America, but sane and sensible in any previous century. Whose opinion do you think should matter more? Shakespeare, or some three hundred pound felinophile with three Master’s degrees, churning out Gawker articles for free so she can ‘build her portfolio’?

You can also write about your experiences and challenges in forums such as r/TheRedPill and the Roosh V Forum, and connect with like-minded men. Better yet, reach out to men in your community via those forums, and meet up with them in real life. Start a Red Pill blog of your own, and keep an eye on The Red Pill Review for regular updates from new writers in the community.

Forming a tribe of like-minded men in “real life” must remain your priority. But while you’re in the process of cutting off your negative friends, you can build a virtual social circle and use it as a reference point while you start your journey.


Have you had to end relationships because of your desire for a better life? How did it go?


  1. xsplat says

    Great post. Ya, pulling together good people in meat space is good all
    around. And ya, the internet can be the gateway to getting that to
    happen in this jet age.

    Oh, speaking of which, when are you going to visit us here in Indonesia?

  2. sportsforaliving says

    “Start Building A Tribe”. Excellent advice and one tip that doesn’t get enough play in the individual-obsessed Manosphere. Surrounding yourself with quality people is the best way to stack-the-deck in your favor for success. Significant relationships can make or break your efforts.

  3. MGTOWarrior says

    Other tips: Get rid of facebook! Facebook is a toxic cesspool of the bluepill, the endless circlejerk of all of your mangina friends. And they steal your data, too! I can only imagine what men like Caesar would have become if he had shit like, “Like this 100 times and I’ll invade Gaul”, Facebook is horrible.

    “Have you had to end relationships because of your desire for a better life? How did it go?”

    Yes. Absolutely. It is difficult at first because I thought I would be alone. And in all honesty. I was. But rather than be terrifying, it was liberating. I felt like a huge patch of all the negativity and depressed emotions had faded away. I combined that with some nofap and theredpill teachings and I became infinitely more satisfied. As for how it went, hahaha, not too well. Some friends didn’t care. Some got angry that I don’t call and text them nearly as much anymore. But I don’t care. Don’t be afraid to be alone. As I always say, it’s better to be alone than surrounded be losers.

    • Harry Mann says

      Some guys totally fear being alone. They find a girl who will give up the ‘tang on a regular basis, hell she might even have a real orgasm or two prior to their marriage. Not necessarily with him, though. Many years later, she may be slovenly, unattractive and packing saddle bags around her waist. No complaints, though. They are in it, “For the children!” But, alas, they are not alone. (Snicker). They are “family men”. They are following tradition; doing the right thing. Give them the hint that your life in FREEDOM is wonderful and you will witness an impotent rage as they struggle momentarily against their psychological chains; and then fall back into their mental and emotional stupor.

  4. Zama says

    Great post!!! I support all your points! I am kind of having issues creating my new crew. What will be your three best advises to do it ASAP?

  5. says

    Great post! Great blog! You remembered me my early teens ….

    You said … “Talking about video games (or whatever) with nice losers is better than a life of solitary confinement.” and ” Losers aren’t bad people; they just don’t want more out of life”

    From my point of view, the big problem with loser is that they are pulling you down. Its tough enough to climb, you don’t need so called “friend” to sabotage contently your hard work! True friend are suppose to help!

    Personally, I have chosen to cut them loose and that decision has been very beneficial from me at all level. Some time, once a year, I hang out with them … and 4 hours is more than enough to remember me how much it was a good decision to let them go….

    Keep up the good work!

  6. dtpilgrim says

    Great article. This is something that I’ve been mulling over for months, and I just couldn’t figure out how to deal with it. I consider loyalty to be an important value, but I’m tired of investing in a group of friends who don’t share my values. It’s not that they necessarily are holding me back, but if I assume that my social resources are limited I’d rather invest in a group that gives me a fair shair of value proportional to my input. I’m going to use your article as a guideline to start working on this issue in ernest for the next couple of months.

    Thanks 🙂

  7. Black says

    Love it Mr. Frost. Your post on this issue is a breath of fresh air.
    Stay “frosty”. 😉
    Brother Black