Facilitating, Not Attracting

Here’s a useful mindset for you to try out: Game is about facilitating sex, not creating attraction.

The mindset works like this: Forget about attracting girls. Forget about conjuring panty moisture out of thin air. Learning game is just a matter of understanding how to step aside and let sex happen without shooting yourself in the foot.

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Let’s compare a day in the life of two aspiring practitioners of the crimson arts: Alvin The Attractor and Frank the Facilitator.

Alvin and Franklin both notice a cute girl standing at the same stoplight as them. Wowee! They think, that girl is smoking!

Alvin enters the interaction with the assumption that this girl will find him repugnant unless he quickly and persuasively convinces her otherwise. He starts asking her questions about jealous boyfriends, The View, and cubes in a desert.

Stanley thinks, Hey, I’m a pretty cool guy! and starts chatting with the girl about bullshit for a few minutes, to give her an opportunity to notice how cool he is. Alternatively, he just goes right ahead and pays her a genuine compliment coupled with a gentle tease. Either way, his job is simply to break the ice and maintain a fun conversation so she and him can feel out each others’ vibes.

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Later that week (day in the life, what?) Alvin spends a cumulative hour sending his girl wordy and thoughtful texts filled with DHV details of his life and comfort-building fluff conversation. Alvin thinks he is making progress because his girl is responding to all these texts. He confuses her boredom with interest, but that’s a whole other post.

Stanley sees text messages as a tool for nailing down date logistics with a girl who is already interested. His text game is centered around hashing out the details of the next date, with a small amount of joking/flirting mixed in when appropriate. He is quick to cut off and ignore any girl who demonstrates less than 100% enthusiasm for moving the relationship forward.

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On a first date, Alvin comes equipped with a binder full of routines, attraction stacks and props: A literal and metaphorical bag of tricks to turn this girl, who he assumes is disinterested in him, into a warm prospect. He is nervous and reaction-seeking, because he knows that he still must earn the girl’s approval.

Stanley is not stressing. He has his first-date spot on lockdown, and he has his elevator-speech responses to the typical first date questions, but otherwise his philosophy is that he already is who he is, and this girl is either going to be into it or not. A good metaphor is a boxer going into a fight. The fighter is going to win or lose based on the work he did in the weeks leading up to that day. By the time he steps into the ring, the outcome of the fight is pre-determined. There’s nothing left to do but put yourself out there and see how the chips fall.

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Later on, Alvin and Stanley have gotten their prospects into their bedrooms.

Alvin believes that he must now convince, cajole, persuade and pressure his girl into sex. He busts out a suite of Last-Minute-Resistance-destroyers, freeze-outs, and general deal-closing tomfoolery.

Stanley is cool as the Fonz. He is in a dark room alone with a girl. He knows that if she wants to fuck him, she will. He relaxes, enjoys fooling around with her, keeps moving the ball upfield, while making her feel comfortable and unpressured. He understands that since the girl has let herself come into this situation, she is at least thinking about sex. He understands that she might need a bit more time to feel comfortable, and that she wants to have a little bit of a dance before she gives it up.

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Too often, men in the seduction community see game as a collection of tricks you must use to create attraction. But sex is the most natural thing in the world. Men and women were somehow meeting and fucking well before The Mystery Method was published. Learning game and getting laid is not a matter of building bridges. It is about removing obstacles. Approaching breaks down the obstacle of unfamiliarity. Leadership and good logistics break down the obstacles of practicality and convenience. Most importantly of all, the modern man must excise the limiting beliefs imposed on him by an emasculated post-feminist culture in which men are told to feel ashamed of their masculinity and sexuality.

The world is full of women who want to get laid. Be cool, and make yourself available to them.

Hoisted From The Comments: On Grooming

I’ve met a lot of guys who found the seduction community, and 6 months in were just as visually unattractive as when they started.

But it’s alright, because they’d “annihilated their approach anxiety”.

An excellent comment from The Gentleman Slut on the importance of grooming/style/fitness:

“If every guy who wants more or hotter women did the following:

1. Gym. 6 months. No exceptions.
2. Whiten teeth
3. Put time, effort and money into learning and developing some damn style
4. Get a decent haircut

Then 98% of those men wouldn’t even need to go further than that. They’d have hit or exceeded their desired success with women. Guaranteed.

I remember talking to a Captain in the army when I was younger , and he said something that really stuck with me; “you know what this generation don’t care about? Personal Admin. Having your clothes washed, your face shaved, your nails clipped. People used to care about their presentation and their personal affairs. Not anymore”

I can tell you from personal experience, male pensioners as a group care more about their early morning shave than just about any other part of their day.

A bit off tangent, but I honestly think these things come under the remit of a mans masculinity. The best definition of ‘being a man’ I heard basically linked it to responsibility. As you become a man, you slowly accumulate more and more responibility – at work, at home, in the community, over yourself, etc.

If you can’t properly groom yourself, or keep yourself in shape, it hints at a man off-kilter. And if you are trying to improve your success with women and can’t be bothered to improve your visual aesthetic, you are wasting your time. Completely and utterly.”

I’ve also noticed the point about how well-groomed old men tend to be. My Grandfather and his buddies always look sharp. Can you imagine how long it must take to shave, with all those jowls?

The Evolution Of Female Flakiness

The female of the human species has always been flaky, and she has always been flaky for the same reason: To test the persistence and dedication of men.

The logic is simple. Let’s say a woman wants to test a man for how invested he is in a budding relationship. She can’t simply ask a man how committed he is, because men can lie. But acting like a flake forces a man to tip his hand. Will he tolerate her one-word texts and broken dates? Will he respond to her “can’t make tonight” last-minute text with a proposal for a new time and place? If she stands him up, will he continue the pursuit?

A man who will put up with such behaviours and come back for more, is clearly invested. A man who will not, isn’t.

Once upon a time, in pre-feminist America, the purpose of a woman’s testing was to weed out the uncommitted men. Women played hard to get, to ensure that only the men willing to put in the effort and properly invest in them, could make progress in a relationship.

In the 21st century however, the tactics are the same, but the optimal male response is the opposite. Female flakiness is still a tool to gauge a man’s investment – but now, the purpose is to weed out the good guys, and leave the field open for the cads. Women are flaky because they are testing you for signs of emotional investment. But contrary to what their grandmothers and common sense would dictate, they are searching for committed guys so that they can reject them. Understanding this dynamic is the key to solid pre-bang text and phone game, which is the subject of the rest of this post.

girl-texting-on-phone

As with all aspects of game, you will fare best if you understand the underlying core principles that you are trying to subcommunicate. In this case:

1) You are on the fence over whether you want to see her again.

2) You are kind of into her, but haven’t entirely made up your mind yet.

3) You are an exceptionally busy man who does not have time to check his phone constantly or write pointless chatty messages.

Now ideally, you are sub-communicating all of these points because they are true. Regarding the first two, if you are feeling stressed about any one particular lead in your funnel, the solution is to get out and crunch numbers until you’re back at the appropriate aloofness equilibrium. Alternatively, you can put yourself in the proper state of mind by taking that girl who you really, really want to lock down, and imagine she’s carrying an extra ten pounds. Yeah, you’ll still bang her… but you’re not going to get excited about it or anything.

As for the last point, this is an issue of time and information as much as it is about seduction. You’re a busy man, right? You don’t have time to bullshit with girls back and forth all day, right? Right. So, limit yourself to one or two ‘windows’ of text messaging per day. I tend to go with noon and 10pm. Each time you hit a ‘window’ clear your inbox and reply to all text messages worth replying to.

Jolly young woman sending a text lying on a sofa

For your own mental health, its important to understand the limitations of text and phone game. It is uncommon to take a girl from cold to warm with your text game. Some girls are cold and just want to waste your time to edify their self-esteem. You want to identify and cut off these girls as quickly as possible. The girls who are warm, they are your game to lose. Texting is a phase of the game with lots of opportunities to lose attraction, and very limited opportunities to build it. Your goal with warm girls is to lock down the next date, nothing more. Get in, have a short exchange, lock down the time and place. That’s it.

Once you realize that these are the only these possible outcomes, texting becomes extremely basic. Your goals are simply to immediately identify and cut off the time wasters, exchange logistics with the girls who are into you, and do it all with zero neediness.

So how does one communicate zero neediness in a text message conversation? Follow these three simple rules:

  1. Bullshit answers get no response. Specifically, if she turns down a time/place that you put out, without suggesting another or telling you a few days she is free, that is bullshit and the appropriate response is radio silence. If she likes you but is dense, she will eventually re-initiate contact.
  2. No emoticons. No laughter beyond a single, sparsely used “hah.”
  3. Do not get caught in long text conversations. Three joke-y, flirt-y exchanges at most, then you are locking down the next date. Long pointless text messaging conversations are for her girls and beta orbiters.

Above all, always abide by the greatest, simplest, most immediately actionable text message guideline ever written: The Jumbotron Test. If you wouldn’t want it broadcast over a Jumbotron for the world to see, it’s probably bad text game.

On Teaching Game To Nerds

I read this post on NexxtLevelUp and came across this comment:

“Always hilarious when a really good-looking and muscular guy tries to teach game to nerds.

You don’t even understand the advantages you have.”

But, speaking as a (reasonably) good-looking and muscular guy, I will say this: I absolutely understand the advantages. Why the hell else would I put effort into being good-looking and muscular?

The commenter above says its hilarious when we try to teach game to nerds. But here’s the thing: I’m not interested in teaching game to nerds, if by ‘nerds’ you mean men who are not interested in equipping themselves with the advantages of fitness, style, money, and an attractive lifestyle.

We’re all familiar with the sort of woman who weighs 300lbs, has three babies by three daddies, and still thinks she’s entitled to a top-tier guy because she claims to have a nice personality. But while the red-pill seduction community is quick to mock such a woman as delusional, many within it will mollycoddle the milquetoasts who refuse to accept that women will judge them on superficial, materialistic and aesthetic factors, rather than purely on the quality of their game. We rightly mock women who refuse to adhere to the standards men and nature hold them to. Well, the men who refuse to make the basic changes to their lives that will make them 10x more attractive, and instead choose to doggedly pursue the perfect openers and attraction-building stacks that will allow them to talk away their ugly faces, are adopting the same entitled mentality.

The analogy is not a perfect one, because an ugly man with some combination of power, fame and good social skills truly can enter the top tier of attractiveness, while a genetically unfortunate woman cannot. But the bottom line remains: Muscles, athleticism, good style, and good grooming – all of which are well within reach of any man with a bit of dedication – will put the vast majority of men in the “really good-looking” category. If you are too lazy to capitalize on these shortcuts to sexual satiation, I can only conclude that you don’t truly desire success with women, nor do you deserve it.

Life is hard. To the victor go the spoils. The seduction industry earns most of its cash selling solutions that purportedly empower ordinary men with the ability to get extraordinary results. Here at Thumotic, I’m certainly not averse to a smooth move or two that will grease the wheels of love and make the seduction process a bit more elegant. But the core value of this blog is that the most certain way of earning greatness is by deserving it.

The 100% Guaranteed Second-Date Bang

This is my 100% guaranteed-or-your-money-back recipe (literally and figuratively) for getting laid in one and a half dates. Caveats: It is free, so you will not actually get any money back. Also, my lifetime success rate with it is about 75%. But that’s still pretty fucking solid if you ask me, so have a seat and prepare to be enlightened.

The goal of this timeline is to convert leads (numbers) into stable, semi-regular, friends-with-benefits type girls, as quickly and efficiently as possible.

Number Crunch

I have two main sources of numbers: Day approaches and, more recently, online game. During the day, I crunch numbers in five minutes or less, so I am usually hitting day one with almost no groundwork pre-laid. It is, for all intents and purposes, a blind date.

The First Date

I almost never go for the first date bang. In fact, I almost never go for the first date lasting longer than an hour and a half. I used to go for the bang every time, usually unsuccessfully, but now I do not for two reasons:

1) As I am usually going in blind, I don’t know if I will want to bang her. I’m a busy man and don’t want to book off a full night from my calendar when I don’t absolutely have to. Short first dates fit conveniently into the 830-10pm weekday evening time slot.

2) Going for the first date bang and getting rebuffed kills momentum and takes away all the tingle-inducing guessing games on her part.

First dates almost always go down at 8:30PM at a sort-of-trendy, sort-of-divey lounge I have on lockdown three blocks from my apartment. I generally just try to relax and focus on deciding if I like her, having fun, joking around, role-playing, and keeping things light and non-sexual. Usually I don’t even go for the kiss, unless the girl is absolutely begging for it, and even then I will cut it short.

The Interbellum

After the first date, radio silence for three days, sometimes more. If the girl seems a bit “soft”, i.e. sweet and not so jaded, I will text her in 2-3 days. Otherwise I let it drag on. Usually the ‘harder’ girls will reach out before I do. When this happens, you can put the second date bang down as collateral on your house. Others I text within the week. Text conversation is a few exchanges of flirtation, usually calling back to role-playing and inside jokes from the date, then business.

The Second Date

Now we get to the meat. So far, this post has been nothing more than textbook aloof game. Solid, but nothing you’re going to buy a $499 DVD lecture series over. The second date ties it all together.

The second date is dinner at my place. Thursday is the ideal night. Eight is the ideal start time.

The dish is always the same: Thai chicken curry. There are several reasons why this dish is sheer perfection:

1) Prep is 50% chopping, dicing,cubing. This gives her something to do, and you something to order her around the kitchen over. You will have lots of opportunities to touch her, guide her, and play up the dominant/submissive, boss/underling relationship over the course of cooking.

2) It is almost impossible to fuck up. If you portion the right ingredients, cook the chicken all the way through, and heat it for long enough, it will taste great. Optional, but I also like to pretend it’s my first time making the recipe and play up the angle of “adventure” and our shared mission. Of course, it always turns out fine, and (theorizing) she imputes that success onto our budding relationship.

3) Most important of all: The timing of the recipe leaves you a 30-60 minute window between prep and serving, for shenanigans. To make a curry, you are basically going to mix all the shit together and ignore it for an hour and drink wine on your couch. Obviously, we are going to make good use of this opportunity.

Let’s take a step back for a minute. What does this girl see coming at her? Well, you are a high-value guy who had the balls to cold approach her in the grocery store, gym, yoga studio, street, or what have you. You guys had a fun first date, but she spent the week after it wondering if you were ever going to call. She has been progressively moistening herself in your kitchen while you touch her and command her to chop this, slice that, etc. Now, her guard is down because if you’re going to make a move on her, obviously you’re going to make it after dinner.

So, when you get down to it on your couch, she’s got 2 glasses of wine in her otherwise empty stomach, she’s almost begging you to kiss her, and her logical brain is not expecting a move at all. You’ve got one hour to take advantage of this perfect storm of arousal.

Often, you will get the bang right there. Usually, you will get a serious, very sexual makeout. If dinner feels like it is rudely interrupting your foreplay, you’re doing it right. Dinner should now include some regular breaks for making out, touching her, fingering her, banging her on your kitchen floor or up against your counter, et cetera. Not only does this make sex at the end of the night much, much more likely, it also makes for a way more fun dinner. Once you’ve gotten physical, the walls come down, you both start to open up, and you’ll wind up feeling a lot closer and sharing a lot more than you would have otherwise.

Keys To This Recipe

– Up until Date #2, she should be wondering whether you like her or not. Your mindset is: “I’m a cool, friendly guy who will be nice to this girl, but I’m not sure I’m really that into her.”

– Switch gears from aloof to hot for her by way of a contrived hook point. What’s that you ask? Tune in next week to find out.

– Above all else: Make sure you sexualize the night before dinner. If you don’t do this, dinner will feel like First Date: Part 2, and you will have to switch gears at ten o’clock while she is full and tired and has to work the next day and her brain has now filed you into “relationship potential guy who really should wait a few more dates, so that he has a proper appreciation of the value of her snatch.” Fuck that noise.

Also required reading: Tuthmosis’s Recipe For Securing The First-Date Bang. The question of whether to go for a long first date –> bang, or a quick first date, second date –> bang, comes down to personal preference. Personally I like my system, I will generally get bored of hanging out with a chick for a full night, and I don’t want to book a full night off of other commitments for an unsure thing. It’s also nice to give a girl an easy way to rationalize that she’s not a slut because she made me wait a full date. But to each their own.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have coconut milk and condoms to buy. Happy hunting, friends.

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Recommended Reading:

Day Bang, Roosh Vorek

Sperm Wars, Robin Baker

The Mystery Method, Mystery

The Game, Neil Strauss

Planting Vs. Harvesting

Monday afternoon, just came back from a long and exhausting weekend at the cottage. A long week of work, iron, late hockey games and social commitments lies ahead.

I’m faced with a choice: How do I spend my two free evenings this week?

I’ll tell you what I want to do: I want to relax. I want to chill and pound a few out with the girls I already have locked into the rotation. I want to call the Engineer tonight. I want to call the Screamer on Wednesday. I want to stay in and write Friday evening. I also may want to line up the Publisher and the old flame for a quick one at some point. But I don’t want to do any work.  I want to reap what I’ve already sown.

The problem is that maintaining a modern harem requires constant investment. You need to manage every section of the pipeline. Sure, it’s possible to slack off for a bit and coast on what you’ve already got on rotation. But as you sow, so shall you reap. If you neglect to pound the pavement and line up prospects today, your rotation will hurt tomorrow.

Also, the more you’re out pounding the pavement, the less you’ll call your regular girls, the more aloof you’ll be, and the longer they’ll stay in your orbit.

Ironically, the best way to keep your girls is to ignore them and spend your time chasing new ones.

So there will be no rest for the wicked, not this week. Wednesday and Friday I’ll be out on the hunt. Tuesday and Thursday I’ll be squeezing in day 1’s. If a spare hour or two pops up in the week, I’ll fill it up with an old notch and carve it a little bit deeper into my bedpost. But the priority remains: Finding new leads and taking them down.

The Party Is Over

A good post from Danger and Play on the subject of hustling, investing, and managing your career. Best read in tandem with an earlier post, Value Investing (In Yourself).

“Guys are saying that college is a scam and a man can waste his 20s goofing off and partying. That advice is based in large part on the common human mindset that the party never ends. You simply do not have as much time as you think.”

“The best approach for a young man is to work at a soul-crushing career while he acquires capital. Stash cash and start looking into a side business. Treat yourself like an income-producing asset. Invest in yourself.  Instead of getting married and buying a white-picket fence for your little princess, buy an investment property.”

“If you’re building a business or buying properties in your 20s, 30s, and 40s, then it won’t matter if you are squeezed out in your 50s. Indeed, because you’ll have a safety net established, you’ll be able to attempt bigger jumps.”

Do not buy into the hype that college is a scam or that you can screw around working 4 hours a week. Work hard while you are young and have energy. Sooner than you’ll want to believe, pulling an all-nighter will be a little taste of Hell.”

It’s an important topic for young men, because most of the career advice they’re getting is shit.

Middle-aged people today, i.e. baby boomers, can only give advice based on what worked for them thirty years ago. Successful baby boomers look at their degree of financial security, at their own quality of life, and they think their success qualifies them to advise teenagers and twenty-somethings on their career choices today. But here’s the thing: Times change. Boomers came of age in a very different economy than us.

I was talking to a friend of mine on the way home from hockey the other night. He just got engaged (yeah, I know) and our conversation turned towards his future plans for buying a house, having kids, and all that great stuff.

“You know, it’s almost like… I just don’t know how anybody can afford anything right now. [Fiance] and I still have $XX,XXX in student loans. At the rate we’re paying it off and saving, we won’t be able to buy a house for at least five years. I’m not saying it’ll be impossible for us, but it’s going to be hard. And if it’s hard for us, who the hell is it going to be easy for?”

My friend and his wife-to-be both have solid, well-paying careers that they’re doing quite well in. They live in a modest one-bedroom apartment and drive a ten-year old car. They don’t take expensive vacations. She doesn’t have a closet full of designer clothes. He doesn’t have a $40,000 motorcycle. Neither of them have expensive drug habits. They are pretty much the archetype of responsible, thrifty, hard-working upper-middle class young people who made all the right decisions in life, who are doing better for themselves than 90% of their peers, and who live in a pretty affordable city. Still, they are cruising up into their thirties, uncertain if they’ll ever be able to afford a basic middle-class lifestyle: A decent house in a good neighbourhood, decent schools for their kids, and a comfortable retirement.

And this is just our little worm’s-eye view snapshot of what life on the ground is for our generation. Take a step back and the picture becomes even more grim. Dried-up pension funds, looming sovereign debt and currency crises, free enterprise choking on taxes and regulation, immigration and offshoring pushing down working class wages, crime and civil unrest lurking around the corner. Millennials, make no mistake: The world you inhabit is much harder than the one our flower-power parents grew up in, and probably destined to get much, much harder in our lifetimes.

The party, such as it was, is over.

On Lockdown: The Drinks Place

In Golf we say: Drive for show, putt for dough. Similarly, the Pickup Artist studies tactics for show, but will earn the bulk of his bangs through the unglamorous study and implementation of tight logistics. This post addresses one of the most essential aspect of Pussy Supply Chain Management (PSCM, coming soon to an HBS textbook near you): Locking down a proper lounge/bar to bring girls for drinks.

Here are some of the characteristics of an ideal bar to lockdown:

- It Must Be Close To Your Pad. As in, walking distance. Partly, this is to make the close easier, but it also allows you to schedule more girls on more dates with minimal impact on the rest of your life.

- You Must Take Care Of Your Servers. If you are crunching numbers on a regular basis, the servers will get to know you because you’re in there eight days a week. If you are a bad tipper, they will serve you poorly and radiate disrespect. This will poison your dates. If you tip well, they will give you great service, treat you well, and subconsciously cheer for you to get the girl. Call it positive energy, call it social proof, whatever. 15% is an appropriate tip on a dinner. When you’re using a table for an hour or two with a $15 tab, 20-50% is appropriate. Yes, 20-50%. Mr. Pink wept.

- The Vibe Must or Must Not Match Your Style. I have two opinions on this. One could say, you should pick a spot that matches your vibe in other respects. Let’s say a girl digs you because you are working the wall street playboy angle. The girls who dig you, will be digging on that style. If you mix it up and bring her to some goth/hiphop/hipster bar, you’ll be working against what she already demonstrated she was into when she agreed to go out with you.

On the other hand, contrast is king. Mixing up the signals you send is a good thing. If you’re a buttoned-down three-piece suit guy by day, but rock out to live punk shows at night, that’s interesting. If your style has a taste of ghetto/street, but your spot is a high-end hotel bar, that’s interesting.

For bonus points, my go-to spot has one extra feature: Live karaoke every Tuesday at 10PM. It’s fucking terrible, and a great excuse to finish our drinks and retreat to my apartment around the corner for a glass of wine…